Inner Demons

The Backstory

December of last year I was lucky enough to sign a contract with Ford Models Chicago, it happened in a fairly odd, somewhat surreal way. I knew I had an interest in modeling, ever since I’ve been little. So, in November I decided to take some photos of myself & send them to modeling agencies all over the country. You know, LA, NY, Miami, Chicago, etc. I sent photos to big agencies & small. I got responses from a decent amount of small ones, & one or two bigger ones in NY, but majority of the big ones either never reached out or sent the automated message about how I didn’t fit what they were looking for bs. I didn’t really find any interest in what was being offered so I didn’t follow up. A few weeks later, I received an email from what was said to be an agent of Ford Chicago, asking for more photos of me because a client was interested in me. I literally thought, okay, someone’s trying to scam me (it’s very typical in the aspiring model world), & with that I just ignored the email. A week later I woke up to a missed call from a Chicago area code & an email from another agent. I hesitantly called the number back & had a conversation with a very nice woman. She explained that one of their clients was interested in me & would like more photos, if they approved they wanted to shoot the following week, & if they liked me they could ask me to shoot up to 5 days a week! I thought my world was gunna change. I felt like I was spinning I really couldn’t believe it, I sent more photos & ended up being approved. The agent then faxed me the contract & two days later I was on my way to Wisconsin to shoot. The shoot was so fun & I got to work with a lot of really nice, talented, people.

A few weeks after, the agent got in touch with me to relay the feedback they had given her about me. It basically said how much they loved me, but couldn’t use me again bc my boobs were just too big….Needless to say I was crushed, but determined to work until boobs shrank. This is how everythinngggg went wrong.

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How Quickly Everything Went Downhill

After the feedback, I began hitting the gym more regularly; saran wrapping my stomach & wearing hoodies to ensure maximum sweat. I also began to restrict my diet a little bit more, but nothing too drastic (that comes later). This lasted for about a month I’d say & then I started to just eat less, & less. Before I knew it, it was 7 o’clock on any given day & I hadn’t taken a single bite of food. I convinced myself it was fine because I really just wasn’t hungry & eating when I wasn’t hungry was like hell, so it was simple. I didn’t. Soon, I wanted more than boobs to shrink, I decided fuck it, I want everything to shrink. People started making comments; “Wow you’re so thin,” “OMG you’re tiny!!,” these made me want more. I quickly discovered another way to accelerate the process. I knew that when I simply consumed too much, let’s say, “fun juice” that I was going to throw up. It would either be the night of, or even better, all the next day. The next day was always ideal bc puking all day meant not eating either. I thought to myself fuck yes, I get to have fun, anddddddd get tinier quicker, & easier. Perfect plan. Quickly, I didn’t care about the fun that came from the “fun juice” anymore, only the fact that it was guaranteed to completely empty my stomach. At the beginning I couldn’t really notice what I was doing, I told myself it was to make myself feel better. The same way I told myself I didn’t eat, bc I wasn’t hungry.

I started to measure my waist, & chest every. Single. Day. Sometimes even 2 or 3 times, still I didn’t think I had problem. I also began to get that “more” I wanted from other people, except it was different this time. The comments became more of… “Are you alright, do you have a problem?” “Why are you so skinny?” “Taylor, please don’t lose anymore weight.” I truly could not see what they saw. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was a girl who wasn’t skinny enough, so with that I ensured everyone I was fine & kept on the not eating. Not only that, but I also stopped using the “fun juice” to throw up & just made myself. Finally, all this started to catch up with me; I began to break out all over my face, I was always tired, unhappy, & I was so insecure. My obsession with being thin & pretty was doing just the opposite to me… but I kept it going. People close to me were beginning to catch on, and ask more questions, I knew they knew, still I denied.

The day that really, really, made me come to my senses was on my mom’s birthday (March 22, to give you guys an idea of the time span). The whole family was out for dinner, & I invited my two best friends to come. Before my friends arrived I tried to excuse myself to the bathroom, alone. But my plan got ruined when Aunt Jacki asked me to take Brielle with me. Whatever, I’ll do it afterward I guess, I told myself. I came back & my friends had arrived.. shortly after so did our food. Yay, I thought. I ate my side salad with ease but had to force myself to choke down 2 mozzarella sticks. Obviously, I finished before everyone else & saw another opportunity, with that I beelined to the bathroom. There were a few people in there when I walked in but they were finishing up, I waited for them to walk out before doing anything. The second I heard nothing in the bathroom I kneeled by the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, I gagged, but nothing. As I went to try again I heard my best friends voice “Taylor?!!…..” I bursted into tears instantly & so did she. I was embarrassed, sad, & scared. I knew at that moment, there was no more pretending & lying to everyone, this was real, whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not. It didn’t matter to me that my whole family was out there, it didn’t matter I was at a restaurant, or the fact that I was going to ruin my moms birthday, nothing mattered to me except my body. The throwing up & not eating had became like an addiction, it was consuming me, mentally & physically. I was ashamed of myself… how did I let this happen?

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February 26, 2017.

 

Road to Recovery

It sounds corny, but that saying; “the first step is admitting you have a problem” is true. I couldn’t change anything if I never thought there was a problem in the first place. I visited my doctor & was as honest as I knew I needed to be. I told her everything. We talked, she ran tests, & had me step on the scale. “108lbs” flashed in front of me & I honestly was kinda sad. At that time last year I weighed around 130lbs, it was a little bit of a shock. I knew I needed to dedicate myself to getting better, bc as much as it was a physical issue, it was an even bigger mental one. The internal battle that I had to fight was the hardest part, training my mind to be okay with eating, and okay with gaining weight was difficult. Making myself eat although my mind was telling me “I wasn’t hungry,” was tough. I forced myself to eat even when I didn’t want too, & at first it was terrible, my stomach had shrunk so much the average everyday meal made me nauseous, but I knew it had to happen. I would share with friends, family, & then boyfriend how much I ate in a day very proudly & they praised me, they helped me a lot & continue to even today.

Today, is almost 6 months exactly from the day I finally accepted that I had a problem. Today, I weigh 118lbs, with C cup boobs, & I am okay with it. Looking back it’s crazy to see how unhappy, & unhealthy I really was. There are days I still have to remind myself to eat, days where I’ll skip a meal, & days where I think I’m still not thin enough. I’d be lying if I said I truly believe I’m 100% better but it’s a process & as long as I continue improving, I’m proud of myself.

*Someone close to me told me not to post this, but I did anyways. And with that I just want to say this really is a mental battle that people can not grasp unless they go through it. I chose to write about this because I know it is real, & it can happen to anyone. If you need help, DON’T be afraid to ask for it. If you know someone who is struggling, do your best to be a friend, it could mean so much more than you know. If this can help even one person relate & reach out then I’m happy. And if you aren’t going through it, or don’t care to be a friend, do the world a favor at least & don’t be a judgmental asshole.


 

2 thoughts on “Inner Demons

  1. Wow! Taylor. Always thought you were such a beautiful girl ( still do). Thanks for sharing this. I have to admit I was shocked to hear that some dummy thought your body was anything other than perfect. So, here’s how I live ( and sometimes it gets me in a pinch with others)but always be true to yourself. If ya have to change to please someone else then it’s probably not for you. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is very inspiring. I’ve been battling this same thing lately. I’m just stuck in the mind set to remind myself to eat. I took a photo the other day with my friend and she said “wow you look really skinny in that picture.” It really hurt, but thank you for giving me the courage to make a healthy change in my life. I think you’re incredibly beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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